since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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