Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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