he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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