the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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