I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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