While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
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Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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