I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
