I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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