I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
