You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I forgot wine drunk hurts