Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it