My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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