My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I want her autograph on my taint
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
