I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
