Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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