if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
