you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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