just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
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She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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