I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
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Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.