I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
