If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
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If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
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His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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