I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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