You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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