I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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