Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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