he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
