My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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