my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
