Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
