wanna go halves on a baby?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
