I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
