I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
