My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
