I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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