apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
