when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
