Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
