Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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