I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
