so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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