you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
