i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
