Just fell off a train. Bad.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
