I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
