tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
