I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
