I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
