yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
