So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
