Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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