if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
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He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
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You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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