I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
