I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
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It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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