remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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