I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
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You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize