I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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