he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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