I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
