So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
