you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
